Conflicted

Today I’m going to talk about something of a spiritual nature, but not religious (unless you take it that way, but that is unintended really). There are elements in this world, this existence that we do not fully understand. However, that does not mean they are not real, they do not exist, nor does it mean they should not be taken seriously. So I’m going to address something that I’ve come to question about the nature of our souls, the spiritual essence that gives our bodies life.

What if our soul, our spiritual form, is not the mirror image of our physical self? By that I meant what if our soul isn’t a humans soul but anothers? I think for most people that I’ve met (meaning 98% of people I’ve met) do indeed have human souls, but what about those people that seem different. They struggle against life because this world is not theirs, they try to adapt to it, but no matter what they do they still can’t find a way to fit in? I have come to believe I am one of those people.

These are the people who have a special spark about them. You can’t quite figure it out, but there is something remarkable about these people. They may not have done anything out of the ordinary or even appear unordinary, but if you have any sort of sensitivity to these things, you can tell there is something different about them.

I’ve been thinking about what grandmother said about me when I was born. She said “This one is different” the first time she held me. She passed away when I was in the seventh grade, and it’s frustrating to me now that I cannot ask her what she meant when she said that. If she knew something, or if she just felt I had that spark.

Another thing about these non-human souls is that they go against the grain, even if it’s a grain of their own making, they typically want nothing to do with the ongoings of the human world. By human world I mean the things that most people find important or interesting or how they feel about the opposite of those.

If you are not following me up to this point, then this honestly isn’t a matter that I can help you comprehend without you just suspending all disbelief for a few moments in order to get your head around this idea.

Take me for instance:

I’ve ALWAYS, my entire life, had a fascination with magic, faeries, monsters, and the supernatural. When I was a child I could see them. I would draw them. I would talk to them. I remember at night when I went to sleep I would see this little creature peeking in at me from my bedroom door. My sister’s room was adjacent to mine and, unthreatened by this creature, I used to think “I wonder if my sister can see his feet.”

Supposing my theory is true up to this point, you can see how we may think differently. These people are not concerned with money, they are not consumed by anything of this world… in fact if they are consumed with anything it’s that which they will likely never have in this world.

I don’t express too much emotion, because they are difficult to control, but I cry when I see unicorns in movies, I cry when there are things that I see in film that I have never known in my life but I know that I know that I know them. I miss them, as if they are a part of my life, or were at least.

I feel like there is this unbridled power within me, but I cannot tap it, I cannot reach it no matter how hard I try. What hell is this that all the things I know should work simply don’t.

This is this world for the humans without human souls. So, why would there be humans with non-human souls?

Honestly, I cannot fathom WHY if I had any sense at all I would want to come here and surrender everything that is important to me, but then again perhaps that is the ultimate test. A human is used to not having magic or anything supernatural, they are used to things the way they are here. For those of us without that, this world is even harder. We gave up so much more to come here and learn. The genius of this world lies mostly in those who aren’t even human. We are the ones who don’t accept no as an answer. We KNOW there is something more and even if it makes no sense to us we will pursue it until we understand. So perhaps we came here to help… we just don’t know how we are supposed to do it. I know that my purpose is “To Improve” but finding ways to do that can be incredibly difficult.